


Penance

by rhealoveless



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Found Family, M/M, Mighty Nein as Family, Slow Burn, The Drift (Pacific Rim), autistic!Caleb, but all of them will eventually come into play, i have now seen pacific rim and I still live and die for this shit, mentions of anxiety/panic attacks/other things relevant to caleb and PTSD, only as much violence as one would expect in an AU where robots fight giant monsters, relationships and other characters pending, trans!Nott
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:27:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22980955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhealoveless/pseuds/rhealoveless
Summary: Caleb promised himself after his jaeger was destroyed, the drift broken, that he would do whatever it took to amend the deaths that lay heavy on his conscience. Now the promise haunts him, pushing him deeper into a world he did everything to escape.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 13
Kudos: 82





	1. In the City

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [we walk amongst giants](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22883713) by [distracted_dragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/distracted_dragon/pseuds/distracted_dragon). 



_ He could hear screaming in the distance. The kaiju charged them, its long talons scraping along the right arm with an earsplitting screech. It barrelled past them towards Rexxentrum. Trent Ikithon’s voice echoed through their comms: “Stop it now, whatever the cost.” There were still ships in the water. They leaned forward as one, the plasma cannon charging and launching as they moved. It hit the kaiju squarely, making it buckle before turning to face them again. “Finish it!” Trent’s voice echoed. In the dream he could see the faces of the people in the ships, though he hadn’t in life. The screams echoed through his ears. The world was on fire. The wrenching of metal and suddenly Astrid was gone, gone, gone-- _

Caleb Widogast woke with a start, his hands clenching the sweat-soaked sheets compulsively. His breath came in heavy gasps. He forced his eyes to focus, and to count.  _ Five things you can see _ . A moth on the wall, just illuminated by the moonlight. The red letters of his alarm clock. The book he had been reading before he fell asleep. The pile of laundry on the floor. The glass of water on his night stand.  _ Four things you can feel _ . Frumpkin, pressed against his legs, just beginning to purr. The rough sheets on his back. The sweat on his palms. The cold breeze coming through the walls.  _ Three things you can hear _ . The sound of traffic on the street below the apartment. A neighbor having an argument upstairs. A neighbor having sex downstairs.  _ Two things you can smell _ . The stale smell of fried food from his dinner. The scent of weed from the hallway.  _ One thing you can taste _ . Blood. He must have bitten his tongue.

Frumpkin stretched leisurely and walked up the bed to sniff at Caleb, before delicately placing a paw painfully on his abdomen. Caleb removed the cat, before getting out of bed and going to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face. He eyed himself critically in the mirror. He was a far cry from the jaeger pilot he had once been. Hero of the Empire, they had told him. He shook the thought out of his head. The dream must have brought such thoughts back into his mind. He was no hero anymore, just a gaunt man with shadows inside and out. There were dark shadows etched under his eyes, and the scraggly stubble that he hated hid his jawline.

There would be no sleep for him after a dream like that. He moved the empty take out containers from the desk to the floor, and spread his notebooks out. There would be an answer somewhere to the kaiju problem. The jaegers were too destructive.  _ My life for yours _ . He bent over the notes and went to work. Frumpkin lept to the floor and began licking the grease out of one of the containers.

***

After the sun finally rose, he went into the city. The air was crisp with the changing seasons, and the city’s perpetual summer stink seemed to finally be fading. Other people’s eyes skittered past, never looking at him. He kept his eyes on the sidewalk. He swiped into the lab building he worked out, early enough that the building was still echoingly empty. He took the elevator into the basement, breathing more easily as the world went quiet and still underground. He never felt quite right when there were other people with him, like he was a puppet. Only when he was alone, in the emptiness and the quiet underground, could he cut the strings.  _ Astrid had understood _ . He watched the thought enter his mind, then watched it leave. He booted up the computer, and began running the tests that the researchers had ordered the previous day. One task at a time, one day at a time, until they found a solution.  _ My life for yours _ . This was his penance to pay, and he had accepted it.

***

Of course, nothing quite messes up a tidy life like finishing putting things in order. He had only been there for a few hours when he heard the soft ding of the elevator reaching the basement level. He straightened, and watched his door. It was probably another lab technician. There was quiet for a moment, then the door of his lab opened. Bryce, Caleb’s supervisor, came into the room with a dark skinned human wearing the blue uniform of the Cobalt Soul shatterdome. Caleb glanced at the two out of the corner of his eye, his fingers automatically moving to his pocket to fidget with the small crystal he kept there.

“Caleb, hello, this woman, Expositor Lionett, wanted to talk to you,” Bryce said, shooting a quizzical look Caleb’s way. “She’s from the Cobalt Soul shatterdome.”

“Hallo,” Caleb said. “What is it I can do for the Cobalt Soul?” He could feel the uneven ridges of crystal pressing into the soft pads of his fingers. His calluses from the time spent drilling on the staff had long since gone.

“There were a few things we just, you know, wanted to see if you had any input on.”

“Well, there are better minds than mine at work here, but of course I will do what I can to aid the effort,” Caleb said. She couldn’t know who he is, could she? He hadn’t fought in the Cobalt Soul, he had fought in the Empire’s shatterdome. Even if the Empire had found him, they wouldn’t have given his information to the Cobalt Soul. They were notoriously difficult to work with.

“Do you mind if I talk to him alone?” the Expositor asked Bryce.

“Uh--well, yes, I can leave you with him. Let me--let me know if you need anything.” Bryce looked at Caleb with a question in their eyes, but Caleb had no answer for it.

Bryce left the room, the door closing with a finality behind them.

“What can I do for you, Expositor?” Caleb asked.

“You can tell me the fucking truth for starters,” the woman said, crossing her arms.

Caleb smiled uncomfortably. “I--I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean--”

“Come on, man. We know who you are. And we desperately need new pilots.”

“I am not that person anymore, Expositor, I’m sorry if you--”

“It’s Beau, okay? They’re going to shut down the program. We’re going to run out of funding in six months unless we can prove that we’re worth the money. And the jaeger program still has the highest success rate of any defense program, it just costs more than they’re willing to spend. Fucking assholes. There’ll be kaiju blue raining on their homes before they’ll pay to protect people.”

“Uh, ja, people are shitty, but I cannot help you. I am working here. I cannot get back into a jaeger.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure, no problem,” Beau said. “Don’t put you in a jaeger, got it. No problem. You still were one of the best pilots we had. Just come to the shatterdome, look over some of the cadets. Give us some input, you know? You’ll be more help than, what, running code all day? Anyone can do that.”

“That is not strictly true--”

“Caleb.” Beau said firmly. “You’ve got more important ways to help, man. Just stop being scared and prioritize, oh, I don’t know, the safety of the entire fucking world?”

Caleb looked at the computer. Was it cowardice keeping him here? He turned the crystal over in his hand.  _ My life for yours _ . What did the promise mean, if he wouldn’t help as much as he could? Still, he could feel his heart racing even at the thought of saying yes.

“You don’t have to, like, tell people who you are. Who you were. We just want you to take a look at what we’re doing. Empire doesn’t know, either. If, you know, you care.”

Caleb’s mouth twisted to the side. “Ja, okay, I will come.”

“Really?” Beau asked, her eyes lighting up for a moment, before she crossed her arms again, voice dropping. “I mean--yeah, uh, awesome. Pack up your things. We’ll fly you to the Cobalt Soul as soon as you’re ready.”

Caleb smiled uncomfortably at her, his eyes resting a few inches below her eyes. He was pretty sure as soon ‘as you’re ready’ was going to be never. “I just need to get my cat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies to pacific rim and guillermo del toro. If there's any huge errors about the pacific rim universe please tell me. If there's any small errors just let me live on in happy ignorance. I'm afraid to watch it because I'm pretty sure it won't live up to the version I've built up in my head. I live and die for comments.
> 
> I love the mighty nein and they will all eventually feature, though I'm sticking with Caleb's POV. I haven't seen episode 97 yet SO while I love Essek Thelyss I haven't decided yet where he's going in the AU. Call that an [Essek pending].


	2. Chapter 2 - The Shatterdome

It was night when they arrived at the Cobalt Soul. It was smaller than the Empire shatterdome had been, and only covered a stretch of the southern coastline between the Empire and Xhorhas shatterdomes. Still, even at night it was impressive enough to make Caleb’s breath catch. Beau was asleep across from him. The helicopter’s pilot was behind a divider. As they began the descent, Caleb felt for a moment like the lights reflecting off the ocean was the only real thing in the world. He touched his fingertips to the glass, savoring the chill. This was  _ real _ . He was  _ real _ . The sounds of life in the shatterdome reached him suddenly, puncturing the thought.

“It’s really pretty at night,” Beau said, making Caleb freeze. He hadn’t known she’d woken up.

“Ja,” Caleb answered. “Like fireflies.”

“Listen, I’m sorry that I pushed you into coming even though you didn’t want to. It’s just--it’s just really important. We have to find a way to convince them to keep the program running, you know?”

Caleb hummed non-committedly.

“What?”

“I do not know if the jaegers are the best way to protect people,” he answered. “That is all. But until we find a better way, then yes, I will see what I can do.”

Beau was silent as the helicopter landed on the platform. People in cobalt blue moved about in a sea of activity. “Well,” she finally said. “If you find a better way, you know, let me know.”

“Ja. I will do that,” Caleb said. He slung his bag over his shoulder, and picked up Frumpkin’s case. “Lead the way, Expositor Lionett.”

She grinned at him, and lept lightly out of the helicopter. He followed, more awkwardly because of his bags. 

“We’ll give you a full tour in the morning,” Beau said, “but for now we’ll take a bit of a detour through the main dome before we get to your room. Let you get a feel for the lay of the land.”

Caleb mumbled his assent, though his feet felt like lead. He wished he had the confidence to tell her he would rather go straight to someplace private, rather than walk through the crowd. Even the short walk to the entrance of the dome had his nerves fritzing. Someone brushed against him, and he couldn’t help but flinch. They didn’t seem to notice--nobody paid much attention to him or to Beau.

“We’re down to four jaegers, after Mayfly Tango fell to Levialus. One was just finished, a mark 4. Not named yet. Shouldn’t have any issues with the core like your Soltryce Alpha did. Sorry,” she added, glancing at him to see if he was upset. He was too tired to fake it, so his face sat like uncomfortable wood.

“It is what happens to jaegers,” he said flatly. “There are only four?”

“Yeah. It’s grim. Xhorhas and the Empire have more, but even so...Well, maybe the wall will work.”

“You do not sound confident, Expositor Beauregard.”

“You can call me Beau, man. I’m not even, like, a senior expositor.”

“Beau, then. It has been a long day. You mentioned a room?”

“Oh! Yeah, sorry. This way.” She led him out of the main bay, and down a maze of corridors to rooms that were clearly meant for jaeger pilots. Caleb had seen many similar ones in the Empire.

“I am not here to pilot a jaeger,” Caleb said. “Just to observe and improve, ja?”

“Yeah, yeah, they just put you in here because there’s a lot of extra rooms here at the moment. This is you.”

Caleb walked into the small room, eyeing its impersonal furniture with a wary eye. Someone had added a litter box to the corner, and a bowl of water. He wondered who had thought of it.

“I will see you in the morning, then?” Caleb asked, turning to look at Beau, who was leaning against the door frame.

“Yeah. Or, if not me, someone will get you. Show you around.”

“Good night,” he said firmly. After a moment, Beau got the hint and left him alone.

He set down his bag and let Frumpkin out onto the bed. Frumpkin made a beeline under the bed, to observe his new home from safety. Caleb smiled crookedly at the cat. “Me too, my friend.”

Caleb went to close the door to his room, but as he did a woman came out of the door across the hall. She was solidly built, and tall. Her hair was in tight braids, ombre from dark to light. She seemed startled to see Caleb.

“Ah, hallo,” Caleb said, nodding to her. “I guess we are neighbors now.”

After a brief hesitation, the woman said, “Yes. It would seem that way.”

They both stood still for a moment, before Caleb said, “My name is Caleb Widogast.”

“I’m Yasha,” the woman answered. “Are you here to pilot the new jaeger?”

“No, I’m not a pilot. That’s silly. Are you a pilot?”

Yasha glanced away. “No, not anymore.” After a long beat of silence, Yasha said, “Well, good night.”

“Ja, good night,” Caleb said quickly, and shut the door.

He replaced the sheets on the bed with the ones he brought from his home, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise, and pushed the rest of his bag under the bed. He lay down on top of it, using his coat as a blanket. It smelled familiar, not like the sharp metallic scent of the shatterdome. It was quiet here, and the air was still. The walls were well insulated. For a moment, Caleb felt he couldn’t hear anything, but there was a faint hum of an air duct. He turned the light off, and the room fell into complete darkness. He drew the coat up over his head, and tried to convince his mind to go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey rhea why did you post two chapters two hours apart from each other?
> 
> because I have no self control good night


	3. The Mighty Nein

A loud knock on the door woke Caleb in the morning. He got up, running a hand groggily over his face, and opened the door. A grinning woman stood in front of him.

“Hi!” she said.

“Uh--hallo,” Caleb answered. The woman frowned.

“You know we have baths here?”

“What?”

“You can take a bath here. You know, you wash yourself?”

“Yes, I--I know what a bath is.”

“It’s just, you know, you’re really stinky, and I would hate if I were stinky and nobody told me.”

Caleb looked away. “I have only just met you.”

The woman held out her hand to shake. “Hi, I’m Jester.”

“Caleb.”

“I know, sily, I’m supposed to bring you to the mess hall. You can take a bath first, though, if you want.”

Caleb’s fist tightened around the crystal. He hadn’t realized he’d grabbed it. “No, that is okay. Breakfast is fine.”

“Oh, you’re going to love breakfast here. They have these pastries from Nicodranas, that’s where I’m from, and they’re full of cinnamon and it’s, like, the best thing ever.”

Caleb smiled a bit despite himself.

“Have you had them before? Where are you from?”

“The Empire,” Caleb answered. “Zemnian Fields, originally.”

“Hmm,” Jester said. “I don’t know much about the Zemnian Fields. What kind of pastries do they have there?”

Caleb wasn’t sure how he ended up describing the way his mother used to make bread, but the words seemed to come easier than they had in a long time. When they arrived in the mess hall, a small affair used just by the housing in that part of the shatterdome, there was a ghost of a smile on his face, and Jester had firmly linked her arm through his.

“Hi everyone!” Jester said happily as they came into the room. “This is Caleb. He’s, like, super cool and he knows how to make bread, even if he is really stinky, and he’s going to bake muffins with me tonight--”

“Okay, Jester, did you ask him if he wanted to bake muffins with you first?” a man interrupted.

“Of course, Fjord--wait--Caleb, do you want to bake muffins with me tonight?”

“Ah, well, I think I will probably have work to do tonight.”

“Oh. Okay,” Jester said. “Yeah, yeah, yeah that’s fine. I probably have work to do tonight too, I’m super busy.”

“Well, then, it works out,” Caleb said, and let her lead him to get food. They sat down at the table. Beau was already there, sitting next to Yasha. Fjord sat on the other side of Beau. A tall man sat across from Yasha, seemingly engrossed in his tea.

“So, you already met Beau, right? That’s Yasha, and this is Fjord, he’s super handsome. And this is Caduceus.”

“Hm?” Caduceus asked.

“Uh--hallo, I am Caleb.”

Caduceus looked at him with an unnerving intensity for a moment, before he took a sip of his tea. “Welcome,” Caduceus said. “I’m glad you ended up where you need to be.”

“Uh, thank you,” Caleb answered. “So--you are all jaeger pilots, then?”

Jester laughed. “No, hardly. I mean, that would be awesome, to be able to do so much and be so powerful. We mostly do work behind the scenes, if you know what I mean.” Jester waggled her eyebrows at him.

“Jester--no--we all have different jobs,” Beau said, giving Jester a ‘cut it off’ gesture. “Why would we be jaeger pilots?”

“Well, these are rooms designed for jaeger pilots, are they not?”

“Oh, that,” Beau said. “Originally they were, but the shatterdome doesn’t have as many jaeger pilots as it used to. So now they house people sorta wherever there’s space.”

“Oh! Oh!” Jester said. “This is the ninth ward of housing, right? So, we have a name for ourselves. But it’s a secret. You have to promise not to tell.”

“It’s--it’s not a secret--” Fjord said.

“A name?” Caleb asked, confused.

“Welcome--to the Mighty Nine!”

“What?”

“Because we live in the ninth ward, you get it?”

“Nein, I do not--”

“Ohmygod you guys,” Jester said. “What if instead of the Mighty Nine we were the Mighty Nein?”

“What?” Beau asked.

“Jester,” Fjord said. “Caleb’s just arrived. Maybe let him adjust to life here before you start enlisting him?”

“All right,” she said. “But consider it, Caleb. You, me, muffins,” she lowered her voice into something she clearly thought was seductive, “ _ alone _ .”

“Okay, Jester, thank you,” Beau said. “Caleb and I have to go now. Yasha, you want to come?”

Yasha looked up. “No that’s--that’s okay. I’ll meet up with you later.”

“Sure, sure. I’ll see you later then,” Beau said, before grabbing Caleb’s arm and leading him out.

“They are interesting people,” Caleb said.

Beau grinned at him, her fondness changing her whole demeanor. “Yeah. They’re awesome.”

“What is it that they do here?”

“Uh--Well, I’m an Expositor, so I mostly run intelligence to and from other Shatterdomes and make sure things run smoothly here. I guess you already know that. Jester works with the cadets--outreach, training, that sort of thing. I think she’s supposed to be more of a support for them? But she really pushes them to do well, so even if she’s not strictly doing her job she does it really well.”

“She is a, uh, character.”

“Yeah.” Beau grinned at him. “Caduceus works in therapy, with the jaeger pilots and the others who are hit by the worst of--you know. And Fjord...Well, Fjord used to be in training as a cadet, but he quit. He runs support on the coms now.”

“And Yasha?”

Beau was quiet for a moment, before she said, “Yasha used to pilot the Mayfly Tango. Now...now she does what she can. But. I mean, you know. It’s hard.”

“The person she piloted the Mayfly--”

“No, he died.”

“Ah. I am sorry.”

Beau grunted. “That’s why they brought Caduceus in. I think it’s why they housed them in the same ward, too.”

Caleb frowned. “Is that why I was put in--”

“Oh, shit, no. Sorry, that’s not what I meant. I put you in our ward because it doesn’t have any jaeger pilots in it, and there was an open room. I hope that’s okay. I mean if you don’t want to live with us that’s fine--” Beau said, her words coming faster as she spoke.

“No, this--this is fine.”

“Okay, yeah, great,” Beau said, and crossed her arms uncomfortably. They entered the main shatterdome then, the ceiling arcing away to fit the jaegers. “So, this is them. Eater Bravo, our best tank. Jannic November, built for speed. And Trinket Whiskey, which is, of course, equipped with wings. Mayfly Tango had our best weaponry, so the new jaeger is supposed to replace him with heavy damage. Fast, from a distance, you know?”

“This shatterdome is built for far more than four jaegers.”

The two of them watched the crew working on Trinket Whiskey. “Yeah.” Beau said finally. “It’s grim.”

“What are you doing about it?”

Beau looked at him out of the side of her eye. “We’ve got some plans. You’re one of them.”

“I do not know if I will be able to help as much as you think I will be able to.”

“No, our plans are more like--we try lots of things and maybe something will work.”

“What are these plans?”

Beau smiled, and started walking across the shatterdome. “I’ll show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Veth Brenatto and have not forgotten her.


	4. Best Laid Plans

“This is our central research library at the Cobalt Soul,” Beau said, as she flung the doors open. They hit the door stops with a noise that echoed through the mostly silent rooms. “This is Plan A.”

She turned around when she noticed that Caleb wasn’t following her. He stood in the doorway in shock, his mouth open. The space flowed into a large open room, with the entrance open to the second floor. There were bookshelves everywhere a bookshelf could fit, and at the far end of the room, computers with researchers bent over. Silence hung in the air even thicker than in his room. 

Beau grinned, and grabbed his arm. “Come  _ on _ ,” she said. “We gotta go through.”

Caleb placed his other hand on hers, and said, wonderingly, “This is--this is amazing.  _ Thank _ you.”

Beau looked away, embarrassed, and mumbled, “I know, it’s pretty good.”

After a moment, Caleb shook himself and the two went through the library to a conference room that Beau opened by flashing her badge on a scanner. The walls were covered in large white boards, all of which had writing scrawled over them. One seemed to be primarily chemistry, but the others had battle tactics, maps, and--Caleb frowned--dicks. The central table was covered in printed graphs and data tables.

“Plan A?” he asked.

“Obviously, there’s lately been an uptick in the frequency of attacks, as well as an increase in the categories--last year there were three attacks from category III, and one category IV kaijus, which was previously unheard of.”

Caleb nodded.

“The increase has been mostly linear, and generally spread out across the Rim, such that no single shatterdome bore the brunt of the impact.”

“But?”

Beau dug through the papers, before pulling out the chart she wanted. “This year the danger has dropped dramatically, with only two category I and one cat II. All three of them emerged by the Xhorhas shatterdome.”

Caleb frowned. “Yes, but that’s random, is it not? The Xhorhas shatterdome covers a large area.”

Beau shook her head. “It does, but they all emerged from the same location.”

“Why? Why the weaker kaiju?”

“Best case scenario, they’re giving up.”

“Seems unlikely--why would they continue to send kaiju if they were giving up?”

“Exactly.”

“Worst case scenario?”

“They’re not sending in these kaiju to do damage to our cities. They have some other motive.”

“Like?”

“Unclear. We have theories, of course. They’re trying to weaken one area in particular, they’re searching for something, or they’re gathering data on us.”

Caleb grimaced. “Plan A?”

“Try to gather data on them right back. Capture one, or develop enough protection against kaiju blue to study the remains.”

Caleb was silent for a moment, before he said, “I don’t like that plan.”

“You’ll like plan B even less.”

“What’s plan B?”

“Beau grinned crookedly. “Invade them.”

“Ah. Ja, you are right, I like that plan less. Are there other plans?”

“Plan C is to dramatically reduce the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, to make Earth no longer hospitable.”

“Is it possible?”

“Not on a time scale that matters.”

Caleb sat down at the table, and started organizing the papers. “Give me some time to do my own research?”

“Yeah. Do what you need, man. See what you can find. Listen, I gotta give a report. You good in here?”

“Ja. You can leave me here alone?”

“Yeah, I--I’m sure it’s fine.” she said, shrugging. “If you finish here before someone comes to give you instructions, you can head back to the main shatterdome and take a look at the cadets.”

Caleb nodded absently, already poring over the documents.

He spent several hours, condensing and organizing the information, before he began to add his own notes to the white boards. He became so involved in the toxicity notes on the recent kaiju attacks, that he didn’t even hear when the door opened. He did, however, hear when the person who came in said, “Caleb? What are you doing here?”

Caleb froze for a moment, then turned around. There was a short woman in front of him, wearing a simple dress, her hair falling into her eyes. She had a beanie that slouched on her head like it meant to stay.

“Nott?” Caleb asked finally. Nott’s face broke into a joyful grin, and she launched herself across the room to hug him tightly.

“It’s been so long, you  _ asshole _ ,” Nott said, pulling away to examine Caleb carefully. “Why are you in a shatterdome? Are you okay?”

“Ja, I’m okay. An expositor found me and brought me here.”

Nott’s eyes narrowed. “Who? I’ll  _ kill _ them. I’ll get you out right away--”

“Nein, Nott, it is okay. I--I think I want to help.”

Nott hesitated, then said, “Well, all right, then. But if you change your mind, I’ll kill them.”

“It is good to see you, my friend. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, you know. Meddling.”

Caleb huffed a laugh. “You look good. Happy.”

Nott smiled. “Estrogen for six months now,” she said.

Caleb hugged her again. “I am so happy to see you.”

Nott nodded, and rubbed the backs of her hands against her eyes. “You’ve read all this?”

“Ja. Expositor Beauregard was showing it to me. You are part of this project?”

Nott shrugged. “Off and on. I’m in research and development most of the time. Are you stopping for lunch? I want to hear about everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying writing this, but I'm not sure anyone's interested in reading it?
> 
> Also: it isn't slow burn unless you have to wait 20k words for the love interest to be introduced.


	5. Chapter 5 - Friends

Nott led him through the shatterdome, pulling him along by the hand. He was beginning to understand how the passages came together--he had a keen mind for such things--but she led him down hallways he hadn’t been to yet, into a different row of personal rooms. She unlocked and pulled him into one at the end of the hall.

The room’s furniture was standard military issue, but Nott had strung together beads and buttons and hung them from the ceiling to make a curtain around her bed. There was a hand braided rug on the floor, lumpy and uneven. Nott went to the rug and sat down, crossing her legs under her. Caleb sat down across from her.

“I thought we were getting lunch?”

“Yes, but maybe some privacy first, I thought, since I want to hear about  _ everything _ , not just the--the nice things.”

“Ah, well, there is not much to tell. I worked in the lab. I kept my head down, and the world ignored me, until my past caught me and now here I am.”

“Is here where you want to be? We could just leave. Slip away, don’t let them find out where we’ve gone.”

Caleb considered. “Well, maybe that will be our backup plan. The world is going to shit, ja? It will go to shit while we’re out there or while we’re in here. I think I owe it to the world to do what I can.”

“Okay,” Nott said.

“What about you? What have you been doing?”

Nott grinned. “I saw Yeza and Luc,” she said. “Like I said I was going to.”

“Ja?” Caleb asked.

Nott nodded. “Stayed there for a bit, but I couldn’t go back to that life like I was. Military healthcare is pretty good, and I make enough to send some home to them. I go by Veth, now.”

“Veth?” Caleb asked, and Veth nodded again. “It’s a pretty name. A good choice, I think.”

Veth laughed. “I could really go for some bacon. You want food?”

“Yes, food sounds good. It is good to see you again, my friend. It’s been too long. I love you, Veth.”

Veth gave him a toothy grin as they got to their feet. “I love you, too, Caleb.”

***

Caleb and Veth spent the rest of the afternoon going over the documents, and ended up getting so involved in a discussion over the composition of kaiju blue that they missed dinner, and only realized when some of the hall lights turned off. They separated and went to their own hallways. Caleb found a smile lingering on his face as he found his way through the warren. He and Veth had met right after Caleb had left the Zemnian shatterdome and was struggling to find food. There were not many bright things left to him, not with the angry scarred cleft through his mind where another person should be.

He was deep in his own mind and so did not hear the voices in the hallway at first. As he rounded the corner he saw a trio sprawled on the floor by his room. Fjord and Beau sat next to each other, leaning against the wall, seemingly deep in a serious conversation. Jester lay across them, her feet resting on Fjord’s legs, her head in Beau’s lap. There was a small box next to them that had a few muffins, and crumbs scattered about.

“Caleb!” Jester said happily as she saw him, tilting her head back further to see him. “We missed you at dinner! Do you want a muffin? They’re blueberry.”

Caleb hesitated, but the constant hunger was not so distant that he was able to turn down food. “Thank you, yes,” Caleb said.

Jester grinned and sat up to hold the box out to him. “Do you want to hang out with us? Beau’s working on learning to speak to people.”

Caleb took a muffin out of the box, and started edging around them. “No, it is late and I need to sleep. Maybe another time.”

“Well, we’d like to get to know you better, Caleb,” Fjord said in a soft drawl. “You’re welcome to join us.”

Caleb laughed nervously, held up his muffin in an awkward goodbye, and hurried into his room. Frumpkin was curled up asleep on the top bunk, which Caleb had intentionally blocked from his notice. He splashed some water on his face, eyeing the stubble with annoyance, before leaning against the bed to eat the muffin. It was unfairly delicious.

Frumpkin mrrped and climbed down onto Caleb’s shoulder, sniffing the muffin with interest.

“It smells good, doesn’t it?” Caleb asked the cat. Frumpkin reached out to bat at it. Caleb tossed a piece onto the floor for him. “Jester made it. Well--Jester and Fjord and Beau. They seem to be good people. Too good, maybe. It’s good that Veth is here.”

He watched the cat in silence for a few minutes, before sighing and changing into sweatpants. He crawled under the blankets, pulling the blanket up over his head. The darkness was sweet and enveloping. He was exhausted from talking to people, and felt suspended, his brain still running in circles.

_ Would _ it be possible to send a kaiju through the rift? It would be world-changing.  _ Battles are won on the offense. A defense will never win, just exhaust. _ Trent Ikithon’s voice sounded clear in his ears.

He rolled over and abandoned that line of thinking. He refused to be the person he had been groomed to be. He thought, instead, of Jester handing him the muffin.

He fell asleep, and he did not dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well I'm back :) this is the last short chapter (at least for a while) I promise, but this was the last good stopping place for a while. comments make me feel less alone in the quarantine.


	6. The Iron Shepards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I paused writing this bc I was finishing/editing/querying my original novel, but I'm BACK.

“I’ve got a mission for you,” Beau said. Caleb blinked sleepily at her. “Well--for us. I mean, all of us, not just you and me. Not that I don’t want to go on a mission with just you and me--”

“What is the mission?” Caleb asked. “I won’t pilot for you.”

“No, I know. You think I’d make you? Come on.”

Caleb shrugged.

“They know of a smuggler who might know a man who specializes in acquiring kaiju parts.  _ Intact _ kaiju parts. We need to find the smuggler and follow the trail. If we get the parts, well, we might get the information we need.”

“Why does the Cobalt Soul want me on the mission? I am a garbage person. Without a kaiju, I am nothing. Look at me. A strong wind would take me out”

“Cobalt Soul doesn’t necessarily want you on this one. I want you on this one. ‘Cause you’re, like, smart and--just come with us.”

“Ja, I--I will come with you. Who is us?”

“All of us--the Mighty Nein. You included.”

Caleb hesitated, then said, “This is a mission into places not on the right side of the law, ja?”

Beau raised her eyebrows and nodded. “Well, yeah.”

“I have a friend here, maybe you know her, Veth? She’s a chemist. I think she could help us.”

“Yeah, sure. She’s part of our research team. If you think she’d be good out there, that’s enough for me.”

“Well, I need to get breakfast.”

“Oh, yeah! Yeah, eat, meet up with the others, plan. We’re good at plans.” Beau pulled out her phone and started texting as they walked down the hall to the kitchen area.

The others, except for Veth, were already there eating. Caduceus was pouring tea when they came in.

“Is the smelly one coming?” Jester asked.

Caleb frowned. “Jester, I do not smell anymore.”

“Maybe you just think that because you’re used to it,” she answered, grinning.

“Jester,” Fjord said, with a warning look. “Beau, can you tell us where it is we’re going?”

“Yeah, um. So, there’s this smuggler in Zadash, the Gentleman--”

“The  _ Gentleman _ ,” Jester said. “He sounds so mysterious.”

Beau laughed. “Right?”

“The Gentleman is the smuggler?” Fjord interrupted.

“Yeah,” Beau said. “He’s dealt in kaiju parts before, which they knew, but an informant from the Leaky Tap gave us the code into his base, the Evening Nip, so we’re going to go--”

“The was?” Caleb asked.

“The Leaky Nip?” Fjord asked.

“No, that’s a different establishment,” Jester said, grinning.

Beau laughed once, and said, “--so we’re going to go see what he’s about. We think he might have info on the group we’re  _ really _ trying to find, the Iron Shepherds. Kaiju dealers, among other things.”

“And we’re trying to buy from them?” Fjord asked.

“Or we could just take from them,” Yasha said, and shrugged. “They’re probably not very good people.”

“Yeah, whatever happens. We’re just doing a bit of recon for now.”

“How are we getting there?” Jester asked. “Zadash is pretty far away, isn’t it?”

“Well, we could drive,” Fjord said.

“We aren’t going to fly?” Jester asked.

“We want to be, you know, subtle,” Beau said. “We could take one of the vans.”

“I’ll drive,” Caduceus said. “Fjord, would you be willing to navigate?”

“Yeah, I can navigate. We’ve got maps?”

“Yeah, they’re over there--no, not that one--yeah.”

Veth walked into the room, and grinned at Caleb.

“Veth!” Jester said. “We’re going to infiltrate the  _ mob _ are you coming with us?”

“The mob?” Veth asked, before unscrewing her flask and taking a swig. “Yeah. Sure.”

“Well, it’s not the mob, probably, but there’s a whole mystery that has to be uncovered, and we’re probably the best team to do it, probably..”

  
\---

Jester opened her mouth to scream, and choked on the cotton gag that was roughly pushed into her mouth. Her arms were twisted behind her, such that if she struggled the bonds threatened to dislocate her shoulder. As her head cleared, she became aware of the engine rumbling. As the vehicle hit a bump in the row, she rolled into another person. Shuffling sideways and squinting in the darkness, she could just make out Yasha. Yasha’s eyes were closed, but tightly. They drove past another car, and the headlights shining through the slats illuminated the space briefly.

They were in a cattle trailer, bound and gagged. Yasha was curled on one side of Jester, and Fjord on the other. Fjord seemed to still be unconscious. Jester wiggled towards Yasha until she could touch Yasha’s arm.

Yasha’s eyes opened, gleaming in the faint light. Jester could see the other woman was falling through the grief of everything that she had lost. Unable to do much more, Jester turned her head and winked at Yasha, before touching her arm again and struggling to sit up. The trailer hit another bump in the road, knocking her back onto her side.

She grit her teeth against the pain.  _ I’m going to have to do better if I want to get us out of this _ , she told herself.

\---

Caleb stared at the empty sleeping bags. Beau paced around their campsite in circles, bent nearly double to look for tracks in the soft dirt, muttering swears to herself.

“I’ll  _ kill _ them!” Beth half shrieked, waving around a .38. Normally Caleb would have been made nervous by this, but he found himself agreeing.

Caduceus walked over to stand next to Caleb. He could feel Caduceus’s presence at his side, but was having troubles pulling his thoughts away from the loop they were stuck on.

“Seems we’ll have to go after them,” Caduceus said. Beau kneeled in the dirt next to the road, examining something in the dirt.

“Ja, we will,” Caleb muttered. He was so focused on kaiju, had been focused on kaiju since they first breached the Rim, that he was having trouble understanding what had happened.

“You know, Mr. Caleb, you don’t have to take the blame for everything that’s happened,” Caduceus said.

Caleb glanced at the large presence at his side sharply. Caduceus rested his hand on Caleb’s shoulder for a moment, before walking over to Beau.

“I found tracks from their car,” Beau called to the others. “There’s a trailer of some kind, it looks like. We can follow them--we can find them.”

\---

“The people who took them...could they be the ones we are looking for? The Iron Shepherds?” Caleb asked an hour later.

“If they are, I hope that they already have the kaiju parts we need,” Beau answered.

“Why?” Caleb asked.

“Because there’s no way I’m dealing with them. I’ll fucking kill them all.”

“And I’ll help you,” Veth said.

“They are helping the kaiju by doing this,” Caleb said. “They are putting their own self interest ahead of the world.”

“There are many ways to respond to fear,” Caduceus said. “I mean, these people are pretty bad, but not because they’re not fighting kaiju. They’re bad because they’ve kidnapped people.”

“There’s no way we’ll win against the kaiju if humans aren’t united,” Beau said.

“Are we united?” Caleb asked. “So the Xhorhas and Empire shatterdomes co-operate freely now? I thought Xhorhas and the Empire were on the verge of war.”

Beau frowned. “They are. But they need to put it aside to focus on the larger threat.”

“Let’s focus on our missing friends for now,” Caduceus said. “Ending a generational war is a big step. We should start with smaller steps.”

“The Gentleman’s contact might know more,” Beau said. “We can start there."

**Author's Note:**

> my apologies to pacific rim and guillermo del toro. 
> 
> Is it really slow burn if both characters are introduced within the first 20k words?
> 
> I live and die for comments.


End file.
